I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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