if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
