a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize