My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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