i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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