Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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