I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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