if you like me you must not know who I am
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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