I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize