hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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