You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
