Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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