we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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