Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
