If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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