puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
