I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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