I want to make a zoo with you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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