i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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