His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
