I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
