I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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