please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize