Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
