You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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