He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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