Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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