chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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