I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
