seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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