Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
