my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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