I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
