Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
