Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it penis luge time yet?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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