i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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