Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
