I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
