I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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