Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Boobs are out for the taking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize