my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
