i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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