I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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