I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
