I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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