so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Randomize
