Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk is a universal language darling
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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