The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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