I cannot find my penis.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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