I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
