and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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