you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
