life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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