Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
