I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
