Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
