So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
