It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
