apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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