remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
