I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
