Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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