Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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